The movie started, and it was pretty clearly not anything the audience had ever seen before. Borat was funny, daring, disgusting and infinitely quotable, like the perfect intersection between Daily Show-style social commentary, Colbert Report character dedication, and gross out, goofy humor of the Will Ferrell variety. The movie instantly sparked “high fives!” and bad accents from college students across the nation. It forever changed the way my friends talked to each other (we wore out the accent and the quoting so completely that the one friend who didn’t attend the screening with us STILL refuses to see Borat because we ruined it for him). But lost in all this chatter about Borat’s surprising success was often the real content of the movie, the justification behind all the “did you shrink this woman, gypsy?” stereotype comedy, and the thing that made Sacha Baron Cohen’s big jump into the mainstream so remarkable. By the time Bruno came out a few years later, Cohen was too big a name to slyly trick yokels into believing in his antics, and the result was kind of a mess- a movie that had all the gross-out humor of Borat, but with the social satire necessarily dumbed down by both inflated expectations and Cohen’s own notoriety.

And so now, after Cohen took a few years to do excellent work in smaller roles, he returns in another outlandish, controversy-courting outing, this time scripted. But let’s get this out of the way: The Dictator is nowhere near as smart, surprising or funny as Borat. The satire that exists is mostly muted by the film’s goofy aesthetic and ridiculous caricature of a modern dictator. The film ends with a fantastic takedown of modern American politics delivered in a diatribe by Cohen’s General  Alladeen, but with that exception most of the jokes poke at easy targets (like dictators’ excess, vacuous celebrities, and organic-living brooklynites).

The movie also lacks a lot of Borat’s heart (another problem I had with Bruno). It sounds goofy, since the major set piece of the movie involved the two’s naked wrestling match, but during Borat I actually bought into the friendship between Borat and his rotund friend, Azamat. In The Dictator, all the proceedings are held at such an ironic, satirical distance that there’s not really a relationship in the film that works. I loved seeing Anna Faris getting to play a character NOT defined by how hot she is, but she’s pretty much wasted playing the goofy local organic food co-op manager.  The relationship between Alladeen and the nuclear engineer who he tried to have executed could fill the Azamat void, but the film is more interested in undercutting the traditional story beats than in allowing genuine emotion between the two. It’s not that sappy friendship storylines are essential to comedy (far from it), but the few scenes of the two friends goofing around, trying to save the world for Dictators everywhere, are some of the most fun in the whole movie.

Still, though, Cohen’s a great comedic performer whose Alladeen is actually pretty funny. If you chuckled during the trailer, then you’ll laugh during the movie. It’s a solid, Mel Brooks-lite farce, with some clever jokes. Plus, Ben Kingsley plays a completely straight-faced antagonist hell bent on selling Alladeen’s oil rights, and it’s fun to scream “YOU HAVE A FUCKING OSCAR!” in your head every time he comes on screen.

“Why Link? I clearly made a stabbing motion! Why did you pull out a bomb, explode yourself, and then jump of a cliff? I hate you!” I have now found that there is little in the world more rage-worthy than a game where you are fighting the controls instead of the boss. A friend hinted that since there is a simple accelerometer in the Wii remote, that small quick movements would get the best results. This lead to every type of flailing I could think of – sometimes you hit a stride and one specific movement got you the death-dealing forward stab you needed to poke the monster’s eye out. Oh but woe on you if thought that motion would still work in the next encounter, instead you got a spinning slice that dealt no damage to the skeleton with four swords to block your attacks. Your reward for thinking a stab motion would get you a stab attack? Paralyzing electricity, yay! The yay is necessary, without it you’ll throw the Wii remote into the TV and owe your friend a new one.

Now, I’m not saying that I expect the game to be easy, or that I blame the game for my failure. I enjoy games that end in my fiery death again and again – that seems to be the main goal of Super Meat Boy, it even displays your incompetence in a collage of your splashy death. I love that game. The reason this is different, is the dissatisfaction that comes with doing the same thing over and over waiting for the results to change. I know that sounds like video games, but it’s not. You do the same thing repeatedly, hoping you will press the right button with better timing. The fault is yours. You didn’t press the block button, so you died. Using the imprecise motion controls is like being punished for singing off-key when you don’t know the song and you’re wearing earplugs. “Press the A button to block” is pretty clear. There isn’t much nuance to button pressing. Timing, yes – technique of pressing, not so much. The rage comes from the feeling that you’ve done everything right, but you still lost because … eh.

Ok, the game itself. I really liked Skyward Sword. I thought the art style was beautiful, though I’m a sucker for colorful games. This seems like a nice compromise between the fancy realism of Twilight Princess and the lighthearted cartoonishness of Windwaker. Good thing they keep changing the art style though, because not much else changes. It’s a small gripe, because I love Zelda games, but I joked with the friend/purchaser of the game about finding three of something, which leads to a big cut-scene, after which you have to get 5 -7 of something. And that’s that happens: you visit the forest, volcano, and desert along with your trusted friends the slingshot, the hookshot/clawshot, bombs, and bow. That’s as specific as I can be to avoid spoilers, and it’s not a big surprise.

However, there are a ton of little things to make the game really enjoyable, and the old standby structure is done really well. The dungeons are interesting and beautiful, and the obstacles are creative. The game seems focused on growth and evolution, since you return to the same areas to explore different sections and watch them change. The desert presents different dangers based on time shifts; the forest expands once you learn to swim – the entire thing floods. Everything is about evolution – Groose and his theme music become more complex during the game, your sword evolves, you have spiritual growth, and Zelda … well she changes too. You’ll see. I was avoiding this version because I thought it wouldn’t hold up to the older  Zelda games, and I was dead wrong. Yes, the controls make me want to fling myself off of Skyloft, but the game is totally worth it.

But how did we get to the point where a show I once babbled about with a fervor normally reserved for the religious became a show that I thought had lost its way? Well it all started with Bonnie. It would later come to encompass a lot more than just Bonnie, but it started with her. The witchy, judgmental Bonnie has been the show’s most ill used character for two seasons now (pretty much since Damon staked Vicky, although she did make a brief and ill advised return this season). I like the actress fine, but Bonnie was always forced to play “voice of reason,” which on a show that regularly brushes aside murders, rapes, and mental manipulation is sort of a thankless task. More importantly, however, and more pertinent to the way I think the show lost its voice, Bonnie was ALWAYS the person called in when all the other characters were unable to solve something. She was essentially a magical band aid.

Joss Whedon has a quote about the problem of escalation in serialized television that basically says that when you get to a certain point in a series, and someone says “oh no, how do we solve this?” His response becomes, “Well…  have you tried violence?” There’s no cleverness left in the premise. Bonnie became “violence” in the TVD world. She sucked the narrative tension out of any given situation. Need to unbind the originals? Call in Bonnie. Need to bring someone back from the dead? Bonnie. Need some witchy mojo worked to save Elena? Starts with a B, ends with an “onnie.” And since we rarely saw these spells taking very much out of her (unlike in the beginning, where big magic LITERALLY KILLED GRAMS), there was no real limit to Bonnie’s power.

This lack of stakes began to extend outward. I knew that they wouldn’t really kill all the originals. Maybe one or two of them could kick the bucket, but way before the show introduced the idea that what happens to one original happens to all the vamps in their lineage, I knew we weren’t going to lose Klaus, Rebekah, or he-of-the-fabulous-hair, Elijah. The show is still good, so occasionally it tricked me, but these actors are too much fun and fit too perfectly in this world to lose forever. The bigger problem with them, however, was that despite their now permanent status, the show kept INSISTING they were the big bads. Once your male villain starts pining after the heart of your show, he’s no longer a serious threat. He may do something rash and stupid, and he may still be incredibly selfish, but all of those adjectives could be applied to every other character on the show (especially one who’s name begins with D and ends with Amon). The Original Witch failed to fully capture my attention as well, although at least she was a move in the right direction.

Which leads us into arguably the highest stake part of the show: its love triangle. In Season Two, Elena went from being the part of TVD that I tolerated to one of my favorites. At the beginning of Season Three, she was kicking all sorts of ass, training to be able to physically match the vampires in her life and acting with agency to try and save Stefan and all her friends. The second half of the season, though, so her trapped between the brothers Salvatore in an endlessly vacillating seesaw. Regardless of the side that I’m shipping (which honestly, changes almost as frequently as Elena’s opinion on the matter), this is the weakest of devices. Elena’s make out with Damon a few episodes back didn’t feel earned, it felt… compulsory. I finally felt like the show was succumbing to CW-it is.

And then came the finale, which hit a great big reset button on everything we thought we knew. Damon met Elena first. Alaric is an evil vampire. Jeremy and Matt decide to finally act of their own accord. Bonnie makes a deal with the devil/Klaus. Carolina and Tyler reunite. Elena chooses. And it was a good episode, much more action-y than the show has been lately, and with Alaric being irrevocably lost and Klaus getting staked, also a lot higher stakes. It also featured some nice bro moments between Stefan and Damon, which is my favorite relationship on the show regardless of Elena.

And then the episode ended with Elena plunging off the same bridge her parents died on, and only reopening her eyes as a vampire. And suddenly next season is looking dramatically interesting in a way this season just wasn’t. I still think TVD needs to work out their villain problem, and I think that figuring out how to neutralize Bonnie’s (and now Klaus’s) power is a huge part of that, but significantly altering the status quo with Elena can’t help but be an awesome thing for this show. It will completely change her dynamic with Damon, who thus far is all about protecting-her-against-her-wishes, and alter her sense that she needs Stefan to feel connected to life. But more importantly, it will bring her outside the love triangle, and force all involved to realize that they need to be fully realized outside of their relationships with each other. Plus, it will royally piss off Klaus, who may be in Tyler’s body for now, but there’s no way we’re losing Joseph Morgan.

And so TVD, not for the first time, I tip my hat to you, for subverting my expectations, pulling back from the brink of cliché, and keeping me tuned to a CW show long after it’s age appropriate.

SEASON FINALE GRADE: A-
SEASON THREE GRADE: B

Probably unnecessary,  but spoilers.

HIMYM has struggled somewhat in its seventh season. Despite a late-in-the-game burst of energy from Josh Radnor in his performance as Ted, and the lovely handling of two huge emotional arcs (Robin’s infertility, Ted’s declaration of love), a lot of this season has felt like stalling. We knew HIMYM had at least one more season, and so a lot of the development felt like forced obstacles to our characters reaching their endings.

I’m not one to complain about the fact that, seven seasons in, we still haven’t met the mother. I feel like if you’re watching the show just to witness the titular mother then you’re not really understanding the show. Since the very first episode, it’s been about the journey our characters take in order to end up as their adult selves. It’s about Robin learning to commit, Barney learning to trust, Ted learning to stop trying to make his life like his fantasy, and Lily and Marshall turning into loving, caring parents. The problem this season, however, is that the characters have started to feel stalled in their development. Ted faced this the most explicitly, with an interesting take on his whole love lorn shtick that had Robin telling him that he has failed to find the one because he isn’t really trying. It’s an interesting look at Ted, but it doesn’t REALLY mesh with the guy we knew in Season One and Two, and it feels more like a justification for the story’s meandering than it is for Ted’s meandering.

Robin and Barney are the two characters who have grown the most throughout the show, and I’d argue the show has been most successful in setting them up. But by Season Seven, and with all the weight of their every interaction behind them, did anyone REALLY think Barney was marrying anyone other Robin? I’m still pumped as hell to watch them get to that point, but it sort of invalidated an entire season’s worth of pretense.

To continue the misdirection theme that the minds behind HIMYM really liked (and I’ll admit has occasionally been employed by them to great avail), the season finale of season seven sort of confirmed that all of season seven was just misdirection. They were getting us to focus on things like Ted’s love for Robin and Barney’s love for Quinn, while trying to set the pieces for the love story that will dominate the time left until we finally meet the mother. Which is all well and good, but at this point in HIMYM’s run, I want my characters to stop with all the misdirection and start moving towards the actual magic.

SEASON FINALE GRADE: B
SEASON SEVEN GRADE: B

Random Thoughts:

• That may have sounded harsh, but overall I still love HIMYM
• I really liked Robin and Ted attempting to distract Lily with goofy stories, especially the episode 1 capper where they all jumped out at Marshall from the closet
• I actually like Quinn. Not more than Robin, by any stretch of the imagination, but as a stand-in she’s pretty cool, although the stripper thing never entirely worked for me. Maybe I just love Becki Newton.
• Let’s hope the creative team decides that season nine will be the last one for HIMYM, so we can have the best season ever
• Waitforit IS the coolest middle name ever.
• Drunk Marshall is my favorite Marshall

Another person frustrated by their lack of hunger is Megan. Unlike her other actress pals, Megan can afford to loaf around between gigs, getting into angry confrontations with the eternally hungry for everything Sally Draper. Here, Sally’s hunger for affection and connection is manipulated by Betty, and turned into a weapon against Megan and Don’s happiness.

That idea of happiness still confounds Betty. It’s here that Mad Men gets almost insultingly literal. I’m on record as hating fat Betty. I find the fat make up distracting, and overall it’s just not a particularly interesting way of representing Betty’s particular brand of happiness induced complacency. I much prefer the late-episode spiteful Betty, manipulating her own child to try and make herself feel better about her life. For years we’ve wondered if there’s something deeper inside Betty Draper. In “Dark Shadows,” we find out exactly what happiness means to Betty when she claims she’s thankful that “I have everything I want and no one has anything better.” In the middle of the episode, we see a sweet scene between Betty and Henry Francis that made me think for one moment that Fat Betty was just the price to be paid for Happy Betty. But as her petty antics prove, Betty is still far away from happiness, and so her hunger continues.

Pete Campbell managed to overtake Roger professionally by being hungrier than him. Now that he’s reached that point, his hunger stretches out aimlessly, globbing onto the idea of Alexis Bledel’s bored housewife with a starving man’s fervency. But watching Pete overtake him has reawakened Roger’s hunger, always striving just below the surface. The show has done a great job of showing the way that these men’s wandering eyes are mainly a result of their constant hunger for something to fulfill them. No one embodies this more than Roger, who has gone through two wives and one serious mistress all trying to fulfill the need he can’t explain. And here, he succeeds professionally only to let that omnipresent yearning tear down Jane just as she’s starting to get herself back up.

The greatest thing about Roger’s storyline is how far it shows the character has come. His obvious remorse upon leaving Jane in her now-ruined apartment is heartbreaking. In fact, this episode was a great episode all around for character growth, whether it was Megan and Don talking out their problem and reaching a consensus, Sally stretching her newly manipulative and terrifying anger muscles, or Peggy standing up to Roger. It wasn’t my favorite episode of the season by far, but it set up an interesting emotional space for the rest of the season to play out in.

Random thoughts:

• The jewish girl in me is always thrilled with jokes about manischewitz.
• “I’m not an airplane either. I can write for anything.” Peggy explaining why she could write for a jewish company
• Ginsberg was kind of a tool this episode, huh? I could use an episode humanizing him again.
• You think the timing of all those Dark Shadows jokes is an accident?

Beckett, Hamels and Pujols

Being a professional athlete is a dream that most children aspire to, and I’ll be the first to admit that I was no different. I grew up watching athletes do amazing things, but I was too naïve to understand that, like in every other job, being an athlete has its good days and its bad days. Sometimes the press and the fans can make life difficult for an athlete, especially when they are not playing as well as their inflated salaries demand they do. No man (even athletes) is perfect, and fans need to understand that there will be good times and bad times for every athlete and team. But that won’t stop some people from jumping all over certain players and ripping them. Sometimes athletes need to be humbled, learn from their mistakes and carry on, but rather than lecture about it, let’s take a look at a few examples of players who have suddenly become public enemy number one to their fans. Right now the game isn’t as fun as it used to be for these men.

1. Josh Beckett (Boston Red Sox, SP) 

Josh is not in a good place. Last year, he was one of the players who was scolded for drinking during games between starts (Meanwhile, on the diamond, The Sox blew an eleven game lead and ended up not making the playoffs). And, already this season, Beckett has managed to find new ways to anger his fan base and make the boo birds come out during home games.

Beckett was scratched from a start because he complained of muscle pains in his shoulder. A few days after that scratched start, he was seen on the links, playing a game of golf. To baseball fans, this is equal to someone wearing a neck brace out in public then getting caught dancing when they’re at home. Considering the Red Sox are in last place, this is the last thing they needed: more bad press.

To make things worse, when Beckett did return to the mound, he was creamed by the Indians and was booed by his own fans after he was removed from the game by manager Bobby Valentine. Sox fans are known for making themselves heard, and that night they let Beckett know that they were not happy with their ace at the moment. The fans were right to bring out the boo birds that night, because that kind of behaviour is unacceptable from any athlete, but this is also coming from one of the players who was drinking on the job (so to speak) during last year’s collapse. Beckett didn’t help matters by attacking the press for ratting him out for playing golf, stating that what he does in his free time is no one’s business. Not the best response considering the satiation.

Beckett doesn’t understand what the big deal is, and that angers the fans even more. Even though I don’t doubt he had just reason to not make a start, playing golf just a few days later would suggest that Beckett might have exaggerated his muscle woes and that kind of work ethic is unbecoming in someone who is being paid to play a game and is supposed to be a professional. I doubt Beckett will get anything more than a talk with management, and I don’t think that’s enough. If I was the owner of the Sox, I’d be telling management to fine Beckett for his off-field antics. After last season’s drinking scandal, management needs to step up and get their ace to start behaving a little more like a professional rather than defend his immature off-field antics. Will that happen? I doubt it but one can hope for Sox management to grow some minerals.

2. Albert Pujols (Los Angeles Angels, 1B) 

Mr. Pujols isn’t very popular in two cities at the moment. St. Louis is still reeling over losing their franchise player for next to nothing, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles. The Cards didn’t do enough to keep him and were, quite frankly, was too cheap in their attempts to get their MVP back. But the other city that doesn’t like him too much is the one actually he plays for, that being Los Angeles where the fans are none too pleased with the struggles he’s thus far this season.

When you’re coming off a World Series win and sign with a new team, fans are going to flock to see you play, roll out the red carpet and wave the signs with the hopes that you will bring a bit of that playoff glory to their city. Pujols left the World Series-winning Cardinals to sign a colossal contract with the Los Angeles Angels, and to say the fans are disappointed with Albert so far would be an enormous understatement. His poor play this season is out of character for someone who has been one of the most consistent players in the game, but Pujols is off to a rough start a month and a half into the season, and it’s starting to look like a long season ahead for the Angels who are currently, like the Red Sox, in last place in their respective division.

I can understand how Angels fans feel right now The team shelled out an colossal two hundred and sixty million dollars to obtain Pujols in the hopes that he would bring some of that post-season magic to their team, but two months is way, way too early to judge this contract, which is ten years long. There’s no guarantee that Albert is going to get better and this could quite frankly be the worst season of his career, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to go on for ten years, at least I hope not. Next season could be the best year of his career and this time next year these first two months could be a distant memory. Albert has moved to a tougher division, so I’m willing to give him a little slack, but I understand where the frustration is coming from. If the Angels were in first place, no one would care about Albert’s struggles, but as long as they are in the division basement we will continue to hear the fans jump all over his backs for not putting up his usual numbers.

3. Cole Hamels (Philadelphia Phillies, SP)   

Unlike Beckett and Pujols, Hamels hasn’t done anything to upset the fans, but instead he has drawn the ire of the league itself in the form of a five game suspension. During a game against the Washington Nationals, Hamels plunked rookie sensation Bryce Harper. After the game, Hamels admitted to hitting the rookie on purpose, stating that he was doing it to send an ‘old school’ message to Bryce. While plunking players to back them off is nothing new, Hamels has to realize the reason why pitchers in the days of ‘old school’ were never suspended for their actions was because they kept their mouth shut and never admitted it.

Then again, did Hamels’ suspension really make a difference? To a starting pitcher, missing 5 games really means nothing compared to what it would mean to someone who plays first or the outfield. Hamels only plays once every five games, so he would lose one start or just wait an extra day or two before his next start. Talk about a slap on the wrist.

But the reason why I mention this is because I want to compare Hamels to the previous two players to show the difference. Not a single Phillies fan is booing Hamels for what he did and the reason is painfully obvious: the man is throwing a killer season and has been lights out most of the time he’s taken the mound this year. Fans are willing to let immature behaviour go when the player is doing well. While his team isn’t doing too well, most can’t fault Hamels for that. Pitching has been doing all right, it’s offence that is non-existent in the city of brotherly love. If Hamels had a 3-4 record and the ERA of a cheap lunch, trust me, Phillies Fans would be booing him out of every game. Compared to the previous two examples, we can see that fans are willing to let some stuff go as long as you’re doing what is expected of you.

In conclusion; while I don’t think all three of these players deserve the backlash they are getting for what they did, I hope they learn from this experience and use it as an opportunity to grow as a player and professional. When your team’s not playing well, you had better be doing your best or your actions and off-field antics are going to put you in the crosshairs of fan backlash. I am confident that all three of these stars are bound to recover from these incidents and continue to be adored by their fans, but that is only going to happen when their teams start winning again and go back to the playoffs. So far this season, that doesn’t seem to look that good for some of these teams, so I would recommend these players try their best not to give their fans an excuse to get on their backs and make them the scapegoat for the team’s woes. If things don’t get better, while some players might prefer to have a change of scenery, that’s not an option when some players have contracts that are too large to move. Suck it up guys, this is the dream and while it may have its good times and bad times, there are millions of people who wish they were in your shoes.

Baseball is a team sport, however, so to blame one person regardless of their antics is unfair and the entire team needs to accept responsibility for their play. If I was a member of the Red Sox, I would stand up for Beckett. Whether or not I agree with what happened or not, he shouldn’t be blamed for everything that’s not gone right this year for the Sox. The team as a whole is not working and the fact that no one has stood up for any of the players above is a bad sign of where these teams are right now as a collective unit. Buckle up, fans because these three teams are not going anywhere this year.

Not that I have much room to talk. Like every fan who doesn’t like to watch their team lose, I have a few people I will not hesitate to blame when my team doesn’t make the playoffs this year, but I’m going to save that for another article, which I guarantee I will be posting the day my team (the Blue Jays) is mathematically eliminated.

I know this is not Jason Segel and Emily Blunt. It's better this way.

I was really looking forward to The 5 Year Engagement. I was convinced it would be the movie that would finally make me love Emily Blunt (I’ve never warmed to her, but remain convinced that John Krasinski would never marry a cold fish). And she fares pretty well. She’s just goofy enough to shed that cold thing (besides, the sublime Alison Brie takes that over for her to great comic effect) and she plays the conflict well enough to remind everyone that she’s a Golden Globe winner who’s not typically in romantic comedies.  She (and Mindy Kaling, obviously, who is the best of all the humans) are the highpoints of the film (oh, and Alison Brie, and Chris Pratt-whom I will literally never stop loving – it’s been since Everwood Season One already- they’re funny and wonderful but not funny and wonderful to the degree I was expecting from the best of Community and Parks & Rec). The lowpoint, for me at least, (and it really does pain me to say this) is Jason Segel. I know, I know- he’s so adorably sincere! How can you not love Jason Segel? – I do love Jason Segel, or I used to, or I want to? I don’t know. I just more and more am finding him annoying. What played as grown-man romanticism and open-heartedness in early How I Met Your Mother (and the teenage version of the same thing in Freaks & Geeks) is beginning to feel not unlike that SNL sketch where Jonah Hill plays a 6-year-old at the grownup table. I will concede that I’m not exactly of the right temperament to love the Segel (that’s Rachael, who literally shares a laugh-for-laugh sense of humour with the guy), but I just feel like Segel needs to grow a lot more than he has (especially for someone who’s been famously restless in his sitcom day job).

Hi, Mindy! Congrats on your Fox greenlight. We should hang out some time! Text me.

In this particular typical-Segel film, he’s excitable and sweet then moody and schlumpy (taking quirk past the point of acceptability) then heartbroken and douchey, then covered in potato salad, then happily-ever-after-y. Yawn. There’s nothing at all notable about The 5 Year Engagement apart from Alison Brie’s accent, Chris Pratt singing ex-girlfriend names to the tune of “We Didn’t Start the Fire” (both spoiled in the trailer) and the mesmerizing fact that Rhys Ifans seems to be in Literally Everything (he’s interesting here, stretching his smarmy-academic muscles). The best scenes all belong to Emily Blunt’s fellow psych-department eccentrics (led by but not including Ifans). A rag-tag crew of highly competitive academic oddballs, the Psych Department at The University of Michigan almost saved the movie for me- from their insane experiment suggestions to their insistence that Ratatouille is the ultimate gourmet commentary to the sub-sub-subplot conflict between Ming and My Best Friend! (Mindy Kaling, but she’s so spectacularly awesome and her book peered so thoroughly into my soul that she shall heretofore be referred to as “My Best Friend!”, with the exclamation point).

That’s really all I’ve got to say about The 5 Year Engagement, it was that boring. Jason Segel- grow up; Emily Blunt- better, but still no; Alison and Chris- I will always love you; LONG LIVE MINDY! That is all.

Needless to say, when Grey’s Anatomy began airing its doomsday preview of “Flight” I found myself fully anticipating this dramatic finale. Sure, Shonda Rimes had already made it clear that a major character would bite the bullet this season, but nonetheless the previews still got to me. I’ve been replaying it over and over and obsessing about which character may leave us. With several contracts seemingly up in the air, I always assumed Mer/Der would be leaving this season but suddenly, I’m beginning to wonder if the whole gang will stick around in the aftermath of yet another tragedy. So, instead of watching the promo in slow-mo again (you can find it on youtube, I promise), I’ve decided to write my top 8 list of the characters in danger and who I really think will die this week.

“Why top 8″ you may ask? Well, it really should be a top 6. The promos have stated that 6 went down and 1 will die. Based on the penultimate episode, the 6 in danger would be: Christina, Meredith, Derek, Arizona, Mark, and Lexie (the only significant people on that flight). That Shonda Rimes can be a tricky one though, so my guess is these aren’t the only ones in danger of leaving Seattle Grace forever. So without further ado, the 8 most likely deaths are:

8/ Mark- I can’t really see how Mark’s death would impact the show. Sure, Lexie would be heartbroken. Derek would be super sad. Arizona/Callie might be bummed that their baby daddy is gone. But life would go on. The core original group (Meredith, Christina, and Alex) would not be greatly affected by Mark’s demise. In fact, I might even cause a more likely migration east for MerDer. My guess is he’s the safest one on that plane.

7/ Derek- His death would be too easy. The previews do a great job of not once showing Derek, and I’m sure he’ll be noticeably missing from most of the episode as well. The one who you think will die never does, so he’s probably safe as well. Also, I think Shonda loves MerDer too much to give them an unhappy ending now that they are finally a family.

6/ Lexie- Another way too easy death. Lexie has been severely underused and somewhat missing from most of this season. Other than her childlike infatuation with Mark, there’s been little in the way of creative stories for Lexie. The crash will be an opportunity for her to gain a new spark. Mark and Lexie will likely get a chance to reconnect as a couple next season. There’s nothing like a terrible tragedy to make you rethink your loved ones. Also, she’s one of the only two characters to look like she’s in danger in the preview, so she probably won’t be in the actual episode.

5/ Meredith- I really don’t believe Meredith will die for all the same reasons Derek won’t. These two will have a happy ending. I very much doubt Ellen Pompeo will stick around for more than another season (if that), but I’ve never once thought Meredith’s death would be the driving force for her exit. So why is she so high on my list? I really believe they’re trying to surprise us with this death. Mark, Christina, and Meredith are the only three plane crash survivors with little to no injuries. Imagine how awesome/terrible it would be if after everyone is rescued, Meredith falls down and dies of internal bleeding or some sort of hemorrhage.

4) Christina- She is barely any likelier to die than Meredith, but again I could totally see the hemorrhage thing happening. The only reason I would be less shocked by a Christina death than a Meredith one, is she’s had easily the most interested character arc this season. Christina’s decision about her future career- and the lack of any real decision until recently- has caused turmoil for a lot of characters. She’s the one death that would affect everyone in the hospital. Also, what better way to bring Teddy and Owen back on good terms?

3) Richard- What? He wasn’t on the plane! Yea, I know. I believe 100% that all the plane crashers are safe and therefore I have to look at the Seattle Grace group to determine who is next likely to meet the reaper. Richard, to me, is one of the weaker characters lately. With his wife’s disease and current love affair, he is getting some interesting storylines. It’s just hard to buy the whole chief-turned-surgeon without assuming the next step is retirement/death. Who better to die and cause all the residents to stick around and work for the hospital he spent his life creating? On the other hand, who better to die and cause some of the Seattle Grace lifers to seek an out and move on? Either way, a Richard death would drive the plot forward.

2/ Arizona- This is the one I’m worried about the most. Again, the previews clearly show Arizona and Lexie are the two in danger. Both girls are trapped underneath bits of the plane, and Arizona seems to be a bite more panicky than Lexie. If one of them is actually in danger, Arizona would be the likeliest target. She is one of the most beloved characters and one who brings the most light to the show. Recently, she’s been thinking a lot about death with the reappearance of her cancer-ridden childhood friend. Arizona’s parting words to Callie made her wife promise never to leave her. Her second strongest relationship, with Alex, also ended with some hostility. Arizona wasn’t supposed to be on that plane, but she felt betrayed and abandoned upon learning that Alex is considering a position at Hopkins. In a last minute change of plans, she took Alex’s seat on the plane, possibly sealing her fate. The bottom line is if writer’s are going for an emotional wrought finale, Arizona might be the one to kill.

1/ April- All of this might not matter, because I’d be willing to bet April leaves Seattle Grace (and the world) this Thursday. She’s been on a downward spiral for several episodes after failing the boards. She finally lost her virginity only to feel as though she completely turned her back on her beliefs. She’s had her job offers at all hospitals revoked, including and most importantly, Seattle Grace. The bottom line is April doesn’t have a future on the show. She’s been in a drunken stupor for several recent scenes and there can only be two possible deaths for her:  (1) a drunken car accident or (2) suicide. Regardless of how she goes, my guess is the tragic plane crash is simply a distraction from the real tragedy that is playing out inside April.

Then again, maybe the plane crash is really sending them all into a mystical island where one by one they will all die at the hands of a mysterious smoke monster…I mean, come one. Could that preview be any more like Lost?

Last night’s Game of Thrones, “A Man Without Honor,” was the funniest episode of the season to date. A lot of that comes down to the re-appearance of Jamie Lannister, who’s biting wit serves to alienate everyone from him (except for the distantly related cousin, who said wit draws in closer, only to lead to a brutal head smashing). I missed Jamie, and his appearance here reminds me of all the reasons why.

It also gives Catelyn Stark her most exciting work to date. Whether she’s being a badass and staring down the hordes who want Jamie’s head on a platter, or verbally sparing with the Kingslayer, Catelyn was in rarefied form last night. For those of you watching who have also read the novels, I also think that the way the whole confrontation between Jamie and Catelyn went down is way more effective than within the book, and actually strengthens Catelyn’s character. But more on that next week.

Also in Lannister/Stark relations, we have Arya and Tywin’s strange mentorship. You can see why Tywin, who has spent his whole life being ashamed of his children, clings so strongly to the tough, smart, manipulative young woman who waits on him. And once again, enough cannot be said about Maisie Williams’ performance as Arya, playing the perfect mixture between a young girl who has always wanted someone impressed with her and a vengeful budding psychopath hellbent on killing her enemies. I think the episode kind of sidestepped the fact that Arya’s recklessness last week led to a whole bunch of people getting killed this week, but I hope this idea is taken up more seriously in the weeks to come.

And then we have the Stark boys’ romantic comedy travails, both of which are unlikely to have wonderful outcomes. Robb Stark continued his flirtation with Jeyne, and even asked her along with him on his next mission. Jeyne herself seems to realize just how bad an idea this is. And Jon Snow, poor virginal Jon Snow, spends most of this episode getting sexually harassed by Ygritte. Rose Leslie, who plays Ygritte, is perfect casting, and the way she plays Ygritte as infinitely smarter than Snow is a nice challenge to the lad. Plus, we got the first of many “you know nothing, Jon Snow”s.  But all that romantic comedy verbal foreplay (and talk about boners, which was pretty funny in a 13-year-old way) led to Jon’s capture by wildlings at episodes end, proving that one should never be distracted by red heads (are you listening Stannis?).

The most heart breaking moment award this week is a toss up between two characters who seemed unlikely to elicit much sympathy during Season One. The first of these is Cersei, who has been softened somewhat from the book’s portrayal of her and to great effect. Cersei and Tyrion’s heart to heart this episode, in which Cersei admits that her son is a monster she can’t control and that she worries that this is her recompense for her happiness with Jamie, bordered on kindness. Tyrion and Cersei may not often seem eye to eye, and Cersei as much as any character seems fond of blaming every bad thing on her brother, but there is more than just familial loyalty between them.

But I’m going to give the award to Sansa, who gets her first period and immediately sets about trying to stab her mattress to get rid of the evidence. The addition of Shae as her surprisingly intense partner in crime is a welcome one. It serves to deepen our affection for Shae, and help to show just how desperate this moment is for Sansa. Cersei and Sansa’s final “you’re a woman now” heart to heart serves to further illustrate both characters’ heartbreak, and how trapped these two disparate women are by their circumstance.

Danaerys’s storyline this week is mostly trippy, and it is also a huge departure from the book, and once again it is a huge departure that I kind of love. I actually turned to my roommate and said “wow, they’re just really good at this,” because in this episode every bit of added/changed scene felt like it deepened what the book had brought before it. Danaerys finds out that her dragons are being held hostage in the House of the Undying, right before the creepy corpse man kills all the other members of the 13 (save himself and Xaro). Danaerys’s subsequent attempts to flee are the show at its arresting best.

And last we have Theon, still chasing after Bran and Rickon as they flee Winterfell, and still feeling the sting of being considered less than a man in the Iron Islanders eyes. As we saw last week, as Theon ineptly hacked off a man’s head, all this pressure is turning the often pathetic little man into an even more dangerous foe. A man so out of his own control can be made to do anything. And so the episode ends with the image of two tiny burned bodies, as Theon surveys the shocked and heartbroken denizens of Winterfell. This should be Theon’s proudest moment, his final conquering of Winterfell, but destroying the Starks was never Theon’s goal, and as he looks out on the people he grew up with, who now look at him with hatred and disgust, his face falls slack.

The episode’s title is A Man Without Honor, a title that could be slapped upon a number of our main characters at this point. Robb, for ignoring his contract with the Freys? Joffrey, for being Joffrey? Stannis, for kinslaying? The one who it is most often applied to is Jamie Lannister, who certainly seems honor-free as he bashes in his own cousin’s head with manacles in a failed escape attempt. But it most likely applies to poor Theon, who’s lack of honor has caused one of the show’s greatest tragedies.

Only two more episodes to go in the season, and I know we’re in for some majorly intense episodes. As much as I can’t wait to see what’s to come, I can’t believe I’m going to have to wait another year before I get to watch this show.

Think Like a Man

Unlike He’s Just Not That Into You, a film which, like TLaM, was based on a self-help book, TLaM doesn’t fly directly in the face of said book’s fundamental principals. It doesn’t blindly accept them either. Instead, the screenwriters incorporate their source material’s existence into their story to allow the character to process, adhere to and reject its ideas as they will. There are women in the film who think Steve Harvey’s dating guide that teaches women how to “think like a man” is degrading and stupid, and there are women who live by its every suggestion. The men ignore the book, reject the book, call Harvey a traitor and then start using the book to improve their lives (in a sort of rebellion-meets-submission backwards kind of way).

The film’s biggest problem is its tendency to equate relationships with war. There are a lot of references to the men being “under attack”, which is stupid at best, insulting at worst and keeps honest simple interaction unhelpfully at bay. However, the elimination of the film’s second biggest problem actually eradicates the first- since said unenlightened metaphor comes almost entirely in narration. Kevin Hart and his narrating imbecile of a character (Cedric) are the worst things to happen to a movie since James Cameron decided to write his own scripts. As my mother would say, “he’s not funny, he’s not cute, he’s just rude”. The problem isn’t so much that last one (because, let’s face it, if all movie characters were nice and polite, there would never be much plot), it’s that Hart just isn’t funny and he certainly isn’t cute. No, that’s not a dig at the comedian’s height, it’s a dig at his massively unappealing Everything. Every single other man in the film is charming and endearing in some way (even frumpy married sidekick Bennett, even TURTLE!). But Cedric (Hart), he just whines and mooches and generally adorns the soundtrack with the most high-pitched ridiculous misplaced anger doofiness I’ve ever heard. He’s ridiculous and his elimination would raise the film from a solid B- to a B+ easy.

A few of the women are a little nuts too, but tolerable crazy, not Cedric all- I-need-is-Wendy-Williams-to-make-me-sane crazy. Meagan Good’s “90 Day Girl” (aka outrageously hot person #1) takes Harvey’s suggested 90 Day Rule (a sensible, useful tip) to insane extremes (he came up to your door, waiting for you and walked you to the car and you’re going to dump him because he didn’t open the door? Learn some priorities, woman!) and Taraji P Henson’s “Woman Who Is Her Own Man” dumps literally the perfect man because he doesn’t drive a Benz (basically). Otherwise, sensible single mom Candace (Regina Hall) and completely reasonable 8-year girlfriend Kristen (Gabrielle Union- aka outrageously hot person #2) are sensible, complete reasonable and generally helpful in their sanity and basic likability.

The non-Cedric men, on the other hand, are the key characters, and they are significantly better written than their female counterparts, on the whole. Romany Malco’s “Player”(aka outrageously hot person #3) is so smooth that he actually sells the usually ridiculous character of “the player”. In order to play someone, you have to first hook them, and Malco is pretty hard to resist. “The Mama’s Boy” (Terrence Jenkins- aka outrageously hot person #4) is so idyllically lovely that his mother-related antics really do inspired internal debate rather than a definitive dump verdict. Even Turtle’s looking good lately. TURTLE! Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sentence looks to me now that I’ve typed it? Freaking Turtle (real name: Jerry Farrara) plays long-term boyfriend to freaking Gabrielle Union- how on earth did he swing that? But here, Turtle isn’t Turtle. He’s sweet and sort of dorky and a little bit lazy and his biggest fault is that he’s essentially a big kid not in a rush to grow up. Also, he literally looks nothing like Turtle anymore. The last outrageously hot person (king of the generally outrageously hot cast, actually) is Michael Ealy as aspiring chef-meets-perfect boyfriend-meets sexiest man alive Dominic. This is the man freaking Henson breaks up with for No Reason At All. I’d never heard of Ealy before but now I’m a little bit in love with him.

Dominic aside, what makes the non-Cedric male characters in TLaM great is that they’re all good guys but do have substantial flaws (again, not Dominic, he’s perfect). They’re slightly skeezy, a little bit manipulative, unable to grow up or completely commitment-phobic, but they’re not caricatures of those adjectives. They’re kind of great in a real-guy way, which throws an interesting curveball at the film’s central premise. Harvey’s book suggests that there is a singular way men think and it’s like a key to be used to the advantage of women. If the film would drop its central romance-as-competition motif, it would realize that if the men within its frames are too complicated for an all-encompassing thought process, the non-fictional ones surely are too.

I saw Semele with a great lover of Handel by my side. She’s nuts for him and thus she kind of loved Semele. I, however, thought it was fair but not stunning and a little over-complicatedly silly. While I’m fond of the occasional Handel sonata, I think his style is too light, too chipper and sweet for a story like that of Semele’s fraught affair with Jupiter and eventual death. By Fire. Flute trills, to me, just don’t say “death by fire”. The score is pretty, sure, but seems separate from the story and, certainly, from director Zhang Huan’s Buddhist interpretation (which eliminates much of the optimism from the end of the opera and frames the otherworldly story with the tale of a man who was executed for killing his wife’s mistress (see what I mean about the Handel-ness? Not quite so in-keeping).

The performances in Semele’s principal cast (the COC Ensemble Studio members will take on the roles on May 23^rd for one night) range from blah (the muffled altos, mostly Allyson McHardy) to brightly clever (Anthony Roth Costanzo’s delicate countertenor tells you all you need to know about Semele’s would-be husband, Athamas), to standard-strong (bass Steven Humes, double cast as Cadmus and Somnus, William Burden’s soaring Jupiter) to utterly brilliant (Jane Archibald’s Semele is profoundly beautiful, astounding even when delivering the exact same phrase an angering 47 times. Her vocal control is insane and her tone serene). Huan’s anxious direction sometimes detracts from the strong cast with moments like when a full chorus of sex-having couples overshadows a particularly lovely Jupiter solo or when useless and misplaced sumo wrestlers waste the audience’s time and stall the story. But he also makes the occasional fascinating addition such as the stunning non-libretto traditional singer at the end of Act One and the multi-use concept of the omnipresent temple. Said temple’s backstory is presented in video form at the beginning then recalled at the end in completely unnecessary fashion. Huan’s concept and inspiration are fascinating but not helpful enough to the actual storytelling for it to be useful that he imposes said inspiration on the audience. A thoughtful explanation in the director’s note, for those interested, would have sufficed.

The imposing of the strained frame onto a story that doesn’t parallel perhaps as well as the director would like is a symptom of Huan’s biggest flaw as an interpreter of Handel’s already somewhat flawed opera- he needs to edit. Huan could benefit greatly from Coco Chanel’s rule of accessorizing (always take off the last thing that you put on). Surely sumo wrestlers, an inflatable sleeping god, a golden-winged jacket, an unnecessary modern frame, on-stage blowjobs and general choral sexytimes, a prolonged horse-erection joke AND the ridiculous wrapped-in-a-dragon metaphorical fire-death ending weren’t ALL necessary. Couldn’t we have made do with, maybe, 3 of those gimmicks? Because what is essentially a cautionary fable about gods and mortals set to a fluffy-sweet score becomes a bit of a circus in Huan’s over-directorial hands.

The Simpsons is, in its own right, a remarkable piece of the pop culture canon. The generations of writing staffs its gone through, though varying in genius, have all sported a creativity and insight that is almost unparalleled on TV. I’ve never loved the show, but I appreciate its ability to get to the heart of things, no matter the subject. Had Rick Miller utilized creator Matt Groening’s massive universe of characters more thoughtfully, he could have contributed to the great mass of Shakespeare interpretation that somehow has informed the work it interprets. Why, aside from the actor’s ability to mimic Homer’s voice most closely, would the Simpson patriarch play the title role when the characters are planted into the action of Macbeth (as a sort of self-aware play-within-a-play)? One of Homer’s most inescapable defining qualities is his utter lack of ambition, and since that’s not played for ironic laughs nor is Marge’s Lady M strong enough to motivate all on her own, his casting made me seriously consider whether Miller had actually read Macbeth when he started planning this misadventure. Mr. Burns plays Duncan for no discernible reason apart from his position of authority (there’s no way someone would lose their head for murdering Burns- there’d be a town parade!) and poor Bart, the scampy fan-favourite of The Simpsons, is mined for none of the underlying darkness that the long-running series likes to play with; instead he attempts, then abandons, the itty bitty role of Banquo’s son Fleance. Barney Gumble, the town drunk, plays MacDuff in what could be the worst casting move since… nope, can’t come up with a “since”, literally since Ever. I think thoughtful and loyal Lisa should play MacDuff (or, perhaps the uber moral Ned Flanders), but the more of MacHomer I watched, the more I suspected that the casting, rather than a commentary on both fictional worlds, was simply a reflection of which voices Miller had best perfected (his Homer is solid, his Marge uncanny, his Lisa…. less awesome).

The whole thing plays out with remarkable energy against a backdrop of Springfield/Scotland mashup images that are a life-saver when it comes to differentiating voices and clarifying plot. The play’s best moment is the puppet musical number that summarizes Act One (before a 30 second “intermission” in which Miller drinks a Duff beer before continuing on). Using the tunes of iconic musicals- “One Day More” being the best- the characters speed through the first two acts of Macbeth with accuracy and wit that is far superior to the joke-laden rest of the show (since the puppets are there to indicate who’s talking, the whole thing makes much more sense). The weakest moment is the awkward curtain call performance of “Bohemian Rhapsody” that literally has nothing to do with anything except indulging Miller’s need for validation in his mimicry.

But overall, MacHomer isn’t horrendous. At worst it’s not particularly interesting and doesn’t add anything to either Shakespeare’s text or Groening’s world. It’s being targeted mostly at students, but I think those students, having suffered through months of English teachers explaining basic blood metaphors to them in preparing for the field trip, deserve a proper production. Why Stratford is working under the assumption that teenagers would rather watch a middle-aged guy bop around doing familiar voices over a bloody psychological thriller like the one that graced the 2009 festival stage is beyond me. It feels like departing Artistic Director Des McAnuff just didn’t want to bother doing the required minimum number of Shakespeare productions the festival is expected to produce per year. Yes, yes, “he loves Shakespeare”, I’m not saying he doesn’t, but it’s an undisputed fact that he loves musicals more, and it only takes one look at this year’s festival lineup to hear that loud and clear. Stratford is a Shakespeare Festival- it says so in the name- and 3 out of 14 is not enough Shakespeare. I love musicals too, but a great Stratford musical still isn’t as good as a great Broadway one (just ask the JCS cast, struggling over on the Great White Way). A Stratford Shakespeare production, on the other hand, is virtually unrivaled in quality. Anywhere. So let’s do them again, shall we? Because really, Des, literally no one is buying MacHomer as a suitable substitute for the real thing.

Yes.

It will be like this pretty much the whole time.

Don’t make me turn this car around, buster.

Anyway, ya good?

Feel adequately warned?

Great. Onward.

IT’S STARTING!!!

We’re in the training room. Again.

This season is like Rocky.

Less montage-y, I guess.

But it sort of makes sense. Korra’s said that she finds the spiritual stuff challenging and the physical stuff easy, so it makes sense that a lot of her time in the beginning is spent on what she’s a natural at.

That said, writer boys, could we get on top of Korra’s spiritual growth, please? Because she keeps thinking that punching things is going to fix everything. ….And it’s not.

AMON’S INFECTING THE RADIO WAVES

The city is not safe.

Also, Korra, acquire someone with tech skills of some kind. Amon’s got’em. Clearly, they come in useful.

And he’s CALLING ON THE COUNCIL TO SHUT DOWN THE FINALS!!!!

There are threats of violence!

A good creepily whispered “or else” just sort of covers everything, don’tcha think?

“WE’RE GOING TO CITY HALL!!!”

to ratify some addendums and perform our civic duties?

Let me know if you see Leslie

OH MY GOD SOMEONE MAKE THAT CROSSOVER RIGHT NOW!!!

Btw, I don’t mention this much, but the soundtrack/music of this show can sometimes be heavy handed, but … it’s pretty. And it’s got a distinct flair.

Cut to: Fire Ferrets bursting into the council room

“Korra, you can’t be in here”

“As the Avatar and a pro bending player—“

NO.

STOP RIGHT THERE.

Thing 1) this is what we like to call a conflict of interest. It does not make you More Qualified to make good, objective decisions; it makes you a hell of a lot less likely to make good, objective decisions.

Thing 2) WHENEVER YOU SAY SHIT LIKE THAT, AMON WINS!!!!

Just saying.

Okay, you do have a right to be heard. But that’s it.

“While I’m still committed to bringing that lunatic to justice, I’m not going to put innocent lives in danger just so you and your friends can play. … A game.”

How did they–? Wha–?

They managed to turn me around on Tarlok!

Yay writing realistic, grounded characters (even the jerks)!

“It may be a game to you but…. think of what it means to the city”

Oh lord. Mako’s talking again

“It’s the one place where benders and non-benders gather in peace”

Blatantly untrue.

The music is swelling and this is turning into that Winger speech of all the other speeches that didn’t make any sense but sounded really inspirational.

Bo takes it there.

Korra, tell me that AS THE AVATAR you are now more concerned with protecting innocent lives than just winning the Stanley Cup (I mean, what? Go Devils! Also, what team doesn’t benefit from a little R&R /extra practice between matches? Take it as a gift)

….No.

Nope.

Nope.

Nopers.

*Le sigh* well… that’s dumb.

Korra, get your priorities in order.

They should look a little something like this:

Korra’s Priorities:

1)    General safety of the populace

2)    Airbending training with Tenzin

3)    Spiritual training with Tenzin/Anger management

4)    Figuring out sensible solutions to the Amon issue (Get spies. SPY WAR!!!)

5)    Learning more about Republic City and its governance

6)    Pro bending practice

….

20078,90023945729348) Smooches with Mako.

CHIEF BEIFONG AGREES WITH THE AVATAR!?!?

What.

The.

Fuuu–?

Also, I’m so with Tenzin on that one.

If you don’t start to do some talking and conceding on actually making sure that non-benders aren’t treated as, or thought of as lesser, you’re gonna be bantha poodoo.

And Amon will be right to revolt!

And I just noticed that everyone in this room, talking about this issue, is once again, a bunch of benders.

…. #currentpoliticalparallels?

Oh Tarlok, is being a jerk again. He just basically made Beifong assume responsibility for all of the spectators. AND AS LONG AS IT WASN’T ON HIM ANYMORE, HE WAS ALL “GAME ON!”.

Ugh. Hate.

Also, my does Tenzin have no party? He’s just … Ned Starkin’ it. Being noble. … Alone. Thankfully, this is billed as a kid’s show, so it’s highly unlikely that he’ll get his head chopped off.

“A word, please, Lin”

AND NOW THEY’RE HAVING A PRIVATE CONVO IN THE HALL

CAN I PLEASE BE RIGHT ABOUT HER BEING TENZIN’S ASAMI?!

PLEAAAAAAAAASE?!!!!

Subtext is happening!

Tenzin, REVEALING STORYTIME.

His dad and Beifong got along awesomely (can you imagine growing up with Uncle Aang? That would be great. He would be your favorite uncle. No question).

He and Beifong—

I WAS RIGHT!!!!

I am dancing. Dancing dancing dancing dancing.

KORRA’S PUTTING IT TOGETHER!!!!

“WHY AM I EVEN TELLING YOU THIS?”

I love that Korra’s making Tenzin reminisce/put on a stupid sparklyface/be embarrassed about his younger self.

Okay, I get that Amon is a daunting evil genius, but I am really starting to suspect a mole, because otherwise I have no idea how he predicts things correctly so often.

I mean, I would love for there to be a mole because THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

And I really really really hope it’s Asami so that she’s not just uselessly nice.

Secret theories/dreams about the mole:

a)    It’s probably Tarlok

b)    If it’s not, I hope it’s some faceless/nameless council member that we haven’t met yet, who’s bitter about being unimportant

c)    It would be great if it were Beifong, but if it were, I feel like that would be mentioned/ revealed /subtext in this storyline between her and Tenzin. And alas, there’s no sign of that.

d)    ASAMI COULD STILL BE/BECOME A SPY, PLEASE!!!

e)    The Wolfbats could be the champs because they figured out how to do sneaky sabotage chi-blocking. Which seems less feasible given the logistics of pro ending, but, hey, a girl can hope.

…. Hopefully this stadium doesn’t blow up, but it probably won’t. I feel like Amon’s going to use it to chi-block Korra and the gang publically.

Cut To: The Probending Arena for the Championship Finals

I would like some smack-down soup, please.

THERE ARE CARTOON PEOPLE DRESSED UP AS THE FIRE FERRETS IN THE STANDS!!!

So meta (where’s my Abed?).

Also, I’m going as them for Halloween now (the fangirl dressed like Korra. Not Korra).

Asami and Mako are blowing kisses to each other, and Korra’s rolling her eyes and groaning.

I’m with Korra.

Why do the Wolfbats have the costumes/hair/pyrotechnics of an 80’s hair band?

Ooh, Maybe it’s because they paid off the refs/the whole world.

Grody.

The Wolfbats win!—

Wait, what’s that?

KORRA’S HANGING ON BY LITERALLY ONE HAND

AND

MANAGES TO HOLD ONTO MAKO

AND

SWING HIM BACK ONTO THE PLAYING PLATFORM?

(I really need there to be caplocks for capslocks.)

Oh, hey.

Remember that one time when she was the avatar and therefore was allowed ungodly luck/arm strength?

“The fire ferrets aren’t just bending the elements, THEY’RE BENDING MY MIND!”

…

I admit, I love it.

Question: what does a pro-bending penalty look like?

Also, Korra, you really gotta stop being tempted by the idea of just kicking the crap out of people as your first recourse. It’s just not very productive.

And does anyone else find it weird that Mako’s the playmaker/sensible one in the trio?

I mean, thank god, otherwise I would get more annoyed with him all the time, but it’s just weird (nice weird, mind you, but weird) to be reminded that he’s helpful and an essential part of why they’re a good team.

Everybody gets to be awesome at stuff and an awesome person.

Korra kicked the guano out of Tano

(and she still keeps calling him Pretty Boy.

You keep on using that word. I do not think it mean what you think it means)

BEIFONG AND KORRA SHOULD SO BE BEST FRIENDS PLEASE?

The … Wolfbats won by hitting the fire ferrets in the face with rocks. Seriously guys?

EQUALISTS IN THE AUDIENCE!!! EQUALISTS ARE THE AUDIENCE!!!

They have scary neck warmers which they’re drawing over faces… very slowly

THEY HAVE BIONIC HAND WEAPONS IN THEIR POPCORN!!!!

Best use of concessions ever.

Also, by bionic hand weapons, I mean Republic City taser equivalents.

So… they’re taking out the police? I guess? Or just regular audience members (that would be really dumb)?

We’re going with the police.

Amon’s creepy man is electrocuting the fire ferrets in the pool.

Cheap, dude. Cheap.

This is also bringing up a lot of Pokémon flashbacks.  I mean, when Pikachu wasn’t winning because of his Heart and Love For Ash, he was winning because some dumb hick from whatever one-horse “city” they were in would forget that water conducts electricity. Blah blah blah.

Oh no! They’re going to electrocute the reporter/narrator.

“I am currently wetting my pants, folks.”

That’s some honest, unfiltered live-blogging right there.

And here’s Amon, on the platform, staring down Tano.

Now would be the right time for Tano to say: “D–.. Daddy?”

LET’S DO THAT STORY!!!

Cut to:

Kora’and the fire ferrets are floating belly up, getting fished out of the pool

OH NO

THEY HAVE TENSIN

The Wolfbats blow compared to the chi-blockers/Equalists. Those guys are brutally efficient.

DID AMON TAKE THE WOLFBAT’S POWERS?

OR DID HE

ACTUALLY JUST KILL THEM?

Korra’s getting dragged and now there are flashbacks.

And what are these flashbacks?

There’s … Toph, I’m pretty sure, and Aang, and I don’t know who/what else.

Maybe Amon is that guy that Aang thought he put away?

That other guy they mentioned once a couple episodes ago?

We shall see.

Amon was bullied as a child.

Boo hoo.

So now you’re going to take away an epic part of people’s identities?

Someone did not go to therapy.

(Although to be fair, if he’s not lying, some bender did take away HIS FACE. …so… that is rough)

Okay, the Wolfbats are alive.

Not happy, not bending.

But alive.

Oh no.

Amon just talked about bending as an impurity (and he just unfurled some crazy flags all over the stadium, and I didn’t even know that things could do this, but somehow he just went from 0 to Nazi in like, two seconds).

Man, and just when I thought we’d dodged a darkness bullet in terms of the dead Wolfbats issue.

Cut to: The Fire Ferrets tied up under the tournament platform.

Pabu is going to save the Fire Ferrets. By eating some rope.

Yay Pabu and Bolin.

Amon is also going into skill vs. buyable tech and martial arts v. guns places.

In terms of, only some are born with bending, but everyone can buy a bionic hand chi-blocker/taser.

Interesting.

Amon’s airlifting himself out of there.

…With no special care paid to Korra and the gang…. which is weird to me, but … presumably he has other, bigger plans for her later

Korra goes after Amon

Uh, see that part where the water doesn’t reach?

This is where that airbending training you’ve been neglecting would help.

Beifong literally gives her a meaningful boost.

ROOFTOP FIGHTING!!!

Man, these fight sequences are so much better than the probending sequences.

They’re gorgeous.

Uh I think Beifong just did some break dancing earthbending.

It was awesome.

UH OH

KORRA IS FALLING

BEIBONG IS SAVING KORRA’S LIFE.

Best friends now please?!

Cut to: They’re safe on the ground with Tenzin and the Fire Ferret bros

Fire ferret /AwkTrio “I’m so glad that you’re alive” hugs.

Beifong: “I played right into his hands.”

Yes, yes you did.

‘REPUBLIC CITY …. IS AT WAR.”

The end.

That was the end of the episode.

Okay, so… while a lot of stuff did happen in this episode, I feel like, more than anything, this episode sets us up nicely for the rest of the season.

Amon’s free (because with his hot air balloon escape shenanigans, he is clearly also Carmen Sandiego), The Wolfbats have won the championships, I guess (but they’ll also never pro bend again. I mean, they’ll never bend again at all), the Asami/Mako/Korra triangle is on the back burner, and we’ve planted the seeds of

a)    Weird flashback that need some explanation/probably will force Korra to figure out her spiritual stuff

b)    The fact that Korra’s still not an airbender yet, and she’s going to need to be.

I’m pretty stoked for all of that to unfold.

(And if Korra and Beifong could be besties Mentor/Mentee, that would be really really great).

See you next week!

Back at 221B Baker Street, Sherlock is going through cigarette withdrawals, making him extra catty. He is bored out of his mind. The only case he has waiting for him is that of a missing, glowing rabbit named Bluebell – not exactly the mental distraction he craves. Then Henry shows up. He explains that when he was a little boy, he saw a dog kill his dad. Sherlock is skeptical, but Henry insists a hound killed his father, and he thinks it’s back. Sherlock does a 180, and says he will take the case.

Sherlock and John arrive at Dartmoor and admire the scenery- the lovely moor, and Baskerville, the super top secret government lab that allegedly conducts genetic experiments, and is surrounded by minefields. Meanwhile, Henry talks to his therapist, Dr. Mortimer. He keeps remembering words “Liberty’ and ‘in’. Henry wonders if they have any significance.

John and Sherlock go to a vegetarian restaurant/inn. John notices a receipt for meat, which he pockets. While John chats to the innkeeper, Sherlock talks to a local tour guide. The guide insists he has seen the hound, and even shows Sherlock a giant dog print to prove it.

The Baker Street boys decide to investigate Baskerville. They get inside courtesy of a badge Sherlock swiped from Mycroft, and get a tour of the base. They don’t get far before their cover is blown. Major Barrymore, the guy in charge is not pleased. Dr. Franklin, one of the Baskerville scientists, covers for John and Sherlock. Dr. Franklin explains he knew Henry and his dad. He says if they need help, give him a call.

John and Sherlock meet with Henry at his house to make coffee and a plan. Sherlock decides they should seek out the hound, and confront it head on. That night, they do exactly that, only John wanders off.  He sees a flashing light, and interprets the flashes as Morse code reading “U.M.Q.R.A”. Meanwhile, Sherlock and Henry go to the spot where it all began- Dewar’s Hollow. Henry sees the hound again and freaks. Sherlock insists he didn’t see anything.

The next morning, Sherlock goes to Henry’s house. He steals some sugar, and asks Henry why Henry used the word ‘hound’ earlier. The use of the archaic term caught his interest, and is why he took the case in the first place. Sherlock then finds John, and gives the closest to an apology as Sherlock can make. Sherlock then realizes that ‘hound’ does not refer to a canine, but is an acronym- H.O.U.N.D.

Sherlock and John go back to the inn, where they bump into Lestrade, who claims he is there on holiday. Sherlock figures Mycroft sent Lestrade to keep an eye on them after Mycroft realized they broke into Baskerville. John suggests that since Lestrade is there, they may as well use him. Lestrade grills the innkeepers about the meat receipts for their vegetarian restaurant. They admit they got a dog to boost tourism after word of the hound got out. They say the dog is now dead. Sherlock makes John a cup of coffee, but John says Sherlock can stop apologizing for yelling at him the night before.

After hearing there was really a dog, Sherlock and John decide to go back to Baskervilles. Sherlock calls in a favor from Mycroft. (Sometimes having your big brother be a high up in the British government has perks). John wanders around the lab, and is locked in, alone. He hears a growling sound, and hides, absolutely terrified. Sherlock arrives, and tells John that they have all been drugged.

Sherlock tests the sugar he stole from Henry’s house for drugs. He theorizes that he and Henry both saw the hound after drinking coffee with the sugar. And John saw the hound after drinking the coffee Sherlock gave him, made with sugar from Henry’s house. The sugar tests negative for any drugs. Sherlock demands to be left alone, and retreats to his ‘mind palace’.

He realizes ‘liberty’, ‘in’, and ‘hound’ refer to H.O.U.N.D- a CIA experiment that took place in Liberty, Indiana. It was an attempt to create a weapon that created terror in the subjects. The project was discontinued after subjects showed extreme aggression. Sherlock looks at a photograph of the original team, and sees a much younger Dr. Franklin in the photo.

Meanwhile, Henry is quickly going insane. After shooting at Dr. Mortimer, he flees to Dewar’s Hollow. He is about to commit suicide when Sherlock and John arrive, stopping him. Sherlock explains that Dr. Franklin attacked Henry’s dad all those years ago. Henry saw Dr. Franklin’s t-shirt, which featured a picture of a snarling dog, and the words, “H.O.U.N.D”, “Liberty, IN”. Young Henry created a monster dog in his head to rationalize the incident. As Henry got older, he started to remember the truth. Dr. Franklin wanted to discredit Henry, and drive him insane to protect himself.

Lestrade arrives. All the men present see the hound. John doesn’t understand, since Lestrade did not have any of the drugged sugar. Dr. Franklin shows up, and Sherlock rips a gas mask off Dr. Franklin’s face. He realizes the drug is a gas, and is hidden in the fog. The hound comes back, and they shoot it. It turns out to be the innkeepers’ dog. Not  hound, but an ordinary dog.

While they are distracted by the dog, Dr. Franklin makes his escape. He runs away- right into the minefield surrounding Baskerville. Sherlock and co. chase after him, but not before Dr. Franklin is blown up.

The next day, John guesses that when he was in the lab, Sherlock was the one who locked him in. Sherlock admits this, and says he was conducting an experiment. John points out Sherlock was wrong about the sugar being drugged-John had been drugged by gas coming from leaky pipes. Sherlock reluctantly admits he was wrong, and says it won’t happen again.

Other thoughts: 

It was great seeing John pull rank as a Captain at Baskerville. Sometimes it’s easy to forget John is a military man, so it’s nice they remind us.

John calling Sherlock out on trying to be mysterious with his cheekbones and popped collar was hilarious, and spot on. Yes, Sherlock you so do that.

“Is that why you’re calling yourself ‘Greg’?”

“That’s his name.”

When Sherlock was surprised Lestrade’s first name was Greg, was anyone else reminded of the Avengers? (“Phil? His first name’s agent!”) That just makes me really wish the Avengers will one day need a consulting detective. Although that would probably be one too many snarky geniuses in one room.

This episode kept up with the ‘A Scandal in Belgravia’ trend of humanizing Sherlock. When Sherlock said, “I don’t have friends. I’ve just got one” to John, it was a great moment, and shows how far Sherlock has progressed since series 1. Let’s see what next week’s series finale, ‘The Reichenbach Fall’ will give us.